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I guess I’ll give this a try.

With no other outlet to pour these rather melancholy thoughts into, I have resorted to tumblr as a means to this end, to fulfill the side of me that desires to be descriptive, and cryptic, and to fill the mold that is this blog with the cement of my words and thoughts. These moods tend to hit fast and leave ever faster, so please, bare with me, and if it pleases you, turn away so I can bare my soul in peace.

To watch a loved one slip away, ever further into madness and farther away from the person they used to be in a drug induced haze of apathy, is about as helpless as one can feel. Watching someone perish is never easy, but somehow, when it is self induced, there is a desperation to save them that can never be quenched. Why? Because you cannot save them. They have to see the destruction, feel it, and mourn for a while, at the pain, and the suffering that their actions have caused. The hurricane-like path of destruction is so hard to watch, that it often fuels the need to feel comfortably numb again, to chase that dragon, and away from this world full of responsibility and anguish, the world that they  believe drove them to that bosom of ecstasy in the first place. Addiction is often a fragmented, broken, and crooked line, and always a line with no end in sight. That lack of end, that never ending mental monitoring that you have to force forward every day, is another seeming draw back. Love never enters the question, until it’s time. Until the monster has steel chains, and sound proof walls, so you can’t hear the screaming of his furious rage as he demands to be let out; the shiver-inducing rattling and scraping of metal as he gnashes his teeth at the great and stead fast bindings. When you finally close that peephole, after starring into his eyes, and telling him this is his new home; when you are ready to let the light shine on the filthiest places you have hidden from even your own eyes, only then will you know peace. Only then, can you begin to heal, and forgive yourself; only then will the pain begin to ebb. I fear this may never happen for you, Katie; that you have let the monster into such a sacred place in your heart, the MOST gentle, the MOST forgiving, the MOST compassionate, that you believe that this monster, IS you. You can not begin to feel my loss, big sister. You do not know how this plagues me at night, when I have let down my wall of thoughts, and turn them over in my hands, inspecting them like an ancient box full of discarded things discovered in an old and rotting, yet full of memories past, attic. How I wish there was another way! How I wish my crying and begging would effect you. How I wish I could bare my soul to you, like I do this blog, and feel your attachment to reality return. Alas, the hour is late, and I fear, dear sister, that you have been swallowed in pieces.
I love you.

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